Kaiser: And welcome back. Tonight’s theme is Extreme Nutrition. Not unlike my upcoming match with TR Saxton, it promises to be flavorful and a bit nauseating. My first recipe is pomme frite de beurre d'arachide. First we take an apple, cover it in Jif… and why Jif?

Audience: Because other peanut butters taste like balls!

Kaiser: Very good. Now we shove a stick in here…

[Kaiser jams a dowel in the apple’s ‘bad place’]

Kaiser: And we jam it in the deep-fryer!

[He does so for about thirty seconds, then yanks the remains out. It doesn’t look nearly as good in practice as it does in paper.]

Kaiser: An apple a day brings your cardiologist pay! Speaking of pay, TR seems obsessed with it. Maybe he should worry less about not sucking. What self-respecting hardcore wrestler loses to a guy who won’t hit you in the face? Apparently TR Saxton.

[Kaiser hucks the apple at the crowd. An especially haggard hobo dives on it.]

Kaiser: Next is one from the old country: immersion de céleri de crise cardiaque. Celery tastes like water, only blander, and you can feel the vitamins. That’s no good. So I whip up a dipping sauce that makes it go down smooth and come right back up… um, smooth. We take two sticks of extra-premium butter, a pound of mozzerella cheese, some alfredo sauce that’s been left in the sun for a couple weeks, and our secret ingredient…

[He produces a white sack marked ????, with (It’s Bac-Os) written underneath. All the items are dumped in a bowl and Kaiser mashes it together with a hammer.]

Kaiser: Cholesterific! Who wants a taste?

[A skinny hobo rushes the stage, grabs the bowl and sprints out of the room.]

Kaiser: Hey, you forgot the celery!

[He shrugs, looks at the stalks and tosses it to the audience. Nobody moves.]

Kaiser: Look, it’s a ‘Best of TR Saxton’ DVD!

[He tosses it to the audience. Nobody moves.]

Kaiser: Ooh, discerning connoisseurs. Now we turn to lighter fare. Nobody takes rice cakes seriously, just like Saxton doesn’t take me seriously. Audience?

Audience: What the f**k, bitch!

Kaiser: Exactly! Am I not the man who quite nearly pinned Harbinger, and almost defeated Dean Wallace, and who came within three seconds and a cover and actually hitting a move against Geoffrey Slate? And since when do rice cakes have to suck? Prior to the show I made up a gâteau de riz avec du jambon, and it will change the way you look at these mealy patties.

[From under the… um… cooking area island thingy that he’s standing behind, Kaiser produces a boneless pork chop sandwiched between rice cakes.]

Kaiser: Just toss on some gravy and you’re good to go. Hey Jews, the rice cakes make it kosher!

[The hobo who stole the celery dip comes back to steal the ‘sandwich’, after which he takes off again.]

Kaiser: Finally, my trademark dish. One that can satisfy an entire American family for well in excess of several hours! I present dinde funèbre de salon, a thanksgiving meal that’s closer to a deathmatch than anything TR Saxton has ever been in!

[A lass wearing a ‘Not Kaiser’s Ex-Girlfriend’ shirt wheels in what looks vaguely like a turkey.]

Kaiser: This bird is a combination of cutting-edge stuffing technology and edge-cutting injection techniques! I took the filling from a box of double-stuff Oreos, added some Cajun seasoning, and added it with an IV drip prior to cooking. Then I stuffed it with a t-bone and cinnamon rolls. If the Indians made THIS at the first Thanksgiving, maybe they wouldn’t have been raped with land treaties!

[Kaiser reaches inside, roots around with a look halfway between disgust and intrigue on his face, and comes back with a handful of dark meat and frosting. He takes a bite of whatever-the-heck-it-is.]

Kaiser: Tres bueno! C’est bon-ton! Certainly more appetizing than the thought of how my opponent completely ignored my utter mastery of the axe bomber. If being in Mercury has taught me anything, it’s that a move that won a match in Japan at some vague point in time should be feared! Okay, dig in boys!

[The audience bum-rushes the turkey. And I mean that in the most literal way you can even begin to imagine.]