“Good evening, I’m Gravity, here’s a look at the headlines.”

A graphic of Blaise McCoy’s pained face is superimposed over Gravity’s right shoulder.

“Blaise McCoy lost his match on Fusion, dropping his winning percentage in LCW to below the Mendoza line. McCoy was unavailable for comment, as he was icing down Scott Royal’s package after a devastating kick to the groin delivered by Dirge…or Brimstone. One of those two guys.”

“McCoy will get a chance to change his losing ways at the next Fusion, against Brimstone in a deathmatch tournament contest featuring duct tape and leather straps, proving yet again that sometimes the jokes really do write themselves.”

The graphic in the corner changes to one of Scott Royal’s face after being kicked squa in the nuts.

“As for McCoy’s partner, Scott Royal, he will have a chance at revenge when he takes on Dirge in a Mercury title contendership tourney match against Dirge. Many experts are surprised that Royal would be able to recover so quickly from a testicular-esophageal inversion, while still other experts are surprised that anyone would actually consider either of these guys contenders for the Mercury title. ”

The graphic switches again to a ladder.

“In other action around Mercury, Keith ‘Cletus’ Summers will take on Kiyoshi Takada, who many of you may remember as Short Round from the Indiana Jones films, in another deathmatch bout, this time with tables and ladders, proving again that part of Dave Beaumont’s plan to improve LCW includes watching wrestling from five years ago.”

Now, the graphic is Messiah.

“Also a part of Beaumont’s revitalization plan is to give the fans the same match three times in a row, as the one true god of wrestling, The Messiah Michael Gabrielle will try for a three-peat on Daniel William Clark. As you may recall, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. Beaumont first attempted this at LCW’s last pay-per-view, with four other men in the ring, and then at the last Fusion with two other men in the ring. This match is a singles contest, and reports say that should DWC not win this match, Beaumont will schedule Clark to be in the ring alone, but he would probably just lose that as well.”

“We now have these exclusive comments from Michael Gabrielle.”

The screen switched to Michael Gabrielle, in front of a black background, dressed in black, and generally looking like the sullen contemplative man he always is. The chyron on the lower third of the screen reads “Michael Gabrielle” and below it “Eventual Champion”

“What defines us as men is not our words, but our actions. We have seen too many men who would speak of great deeds only to accomplish evil, or nothing at all.”

“And then there is I, apparently judged by a set of standards totally separate to those of anyone else. When someone proves something once, it is generally accepted that he has done it, and may move on. I, on the other hand, am asked to repeat the feat with only marginally different circumstances. And then, upon accomplishing that, I am asked to do so again, and again the scenario altered just enough to be noticeable to the untrained eye.”

“Do I complain? Do I so much as bat an eye? No, not once. That is what those in control would like to see. They do this to test me, to make me throw my hands up in disgust at the process. So I defend myself by waiting here with Zen-like patience, completing the tasks as put before me. Like Job, I wait and dare not curse the self-appointed gods of this world.”

“But they’ve made two mistakes. The first, is giving me an opportunity, telling me exactly how much struggling I have left, giving me a light at the end of the tunnel, letting me know that if I just survive, what is mine will be mine.”

“And the second mistake is that they are not doing this to a banker, or a businessman. They do not see that my job, my lot in life is to inflict a maximum amount of pain to people. If I should so desire, I could walk to the ring at any moment and make a statement in blood, send a message in the language of broken bones, and show that no matter how long I am made to wait, I am still just as dangerous as ever before.”

“Be warned, and be very careful Mr. Clark. Do your very best not to become that statement.”

Back to Gravity in the studio.

“Strong words there from a strong man. Just time for a few other stories: the attacks of September 11th and Seven-Seven were acts perpetrated by an evil international cabal of the elite, your freedoms are being eroded at every turn while you stare blankly at your Myspace page waiting for some friends, and we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.”

“I’m Gravity, good night.”

Fade to black.