Official Looking Guy 1: We’re here today for the weigh-ins on the upcoming fight between Felix “Tortilla Ex Deus” Delgado and Kaiser “Dios Mio” vonSmith. Kaiser enters with a record of ten wins by knockout, five by decision, and twenty-three by ‘totally owning the other guy hard’. Delgado has no record because fights outside America don’t really matter.

Official Looking Guy 2: If mister Delgado would please get on the scale.

[‘Felix’ half-walks half-waddles to the scale.]

Guy 2: Felix weighs in at… this can’t be right. You’re only two hundred pounds?

[Guy 2 pokes the cerveza belly of ‘Felix’, looks at the scale again.]

Guy 2: Okay. Now, Kaiser.

[Kaiser takes his place at the scale.]

Guy 2: The Magnanimous One weighs in at two hundred seventy pounds. Wait, sir, is that a midget holding onto your leg?

Kaiser: If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me that.

[He makes a subtle ‘go away’ gesture at something in the vicinity of his legs.]

Guy 2: Make that two hundred three pounds.

[Kaiser returns to his seat.]

Guy 1: Now if the gentlemen would please speak a few words on the fight.

‘Felix’: Me gusta bistec.

Guy 1: Truer words were never spoken. Kaiser?

Kaiser: Thank you. I’d like to thank my opponent for coming here rather than being a chicken and not saying anything. Man, I hate it when guys do that!

[Kaiser’s eyes glance left and right quickly as he hopes nobody remembers when the original deadline was.]

Kaiser: I’ve studied tapes of Delgado, and I have to say he’s a very talented athlete. But being a ruthless boxer only means so much when you’re in a ring with the man who has mastered the Taco Salad, and whose atomic drop is so potent that it’s monitored by the IAEA. He seems a little bloodthirsty, but I’ll have him know that I’ve won several matches when my opponent slipped hard on my blood. And I’ve been mainlining WD-40 all week so it’ll be extra-slick just in case.

[Kaiser scowls to back up his threat. ‘Felix’ shields his face with his hands.]

Kaiser: You know, I liked this guy better the first time, when his name was Lucas and I beat him in a pay-per-view match that people talked about all the way until the introductions for the next match. What’s he ever done? Heck, I’ve had people say that I am to pro wrestling what Akebono is to kickboxing. I’m not sure what that means but it sounds cool. In conclusion, um, he has a stupid face.

Guy 1: A response?

[‘Felix’ is busy guzzling a Corona.]

Guy 1: I think that wraps things up.

[And everyone lived happily ever after. Except Felix.]