Written: 2/24
Remember the old Dean Wallace promos? Generally, you’d catch the Prime Example enjoying life’s simple pleasures – a comfy leather couch, an ice-cold Pepsi, and either a televised sporting event or a game of PS2. Ah, yes, those were the days.
But this is a new Dean Wallace – one who is fully aware that, while he’s still in phenomenal athletic shape, isn’t quite back to ‘wrestling’ form yet. So there’s no time to be wasted. The TV’s still on, but it’s the one down in the workout room as Dean does repetition after repetition to make sure he’s restored every bit of strength he had back when he was Mercury’s Most Hated. (Not that he still isn’t… you get the point.)
Still, there are things to be said in front of a camera. Dean’s as willing to oblige as ever – he does love that little red light – but he’s making the LCW camera folks be a little more accommodating to him. So the camera crews have to lug all their equipment down a flight of stairs and maneuver it into Dean’s weight room. That’s where we find Dean as we speak, leaning up against the wall, wearing one of those Nike Dri-Fit shirts with the new Arizona Diamondbacks colors and logo on it. A towel is slung over his shoulder, and he gleams with sweat, but the smile on his face betrays the fact that he’s really happy to be doing this again.
“So they’ve got me tagging with Messiah, huh? They managed to find the one guy in this entire industry with anywhere approaching as much arrogance as I have, and I get to tag with him in my Mercury re-debut? Hey, at least this pairing makes some sense when you look at it that way, unlike so many of the other Random Tag-Team Generator of DOOM matches I’ve had the misfortune of participating in. Hell, they could even play “Big Egos” by Dr. Dre while we walk down the ramp. Maybe Gravity doesn’t see where Beaumont’s coming with this Dream-Team caliber tag pairing, but I sure do.”
“It’s been a while since I’ve had the pleasure of seeing you in the ring, Messiah, as I’m sure it’s been for you as well. So let me offer you a brief refresher course as to what Dean F*ckin’ Wallace offers within the squared circle. I’m quick, agile, strong, and I’ve got head drops for DAYS, son. When I decide I want to finish somebody, they STAY finished, whether I’m folding them with The Closer or cutting off their oxygen supply with The Diamondback. Oh, and there’s the fact that I’m the best tag team wrestler Mercury’s ever seen – and I’ve got the straps to prove it – so I don’t think there’s going to be a teamwork issue between the two of us.”
“Our opponents? Well, here’s where I actually agree with your boy Gravity; they’re a joke. Hey, Summers, you’re going to check my ego at the door? I’ll say this: it sure doesn’t look like you’re much of a stranger to checks, that’s for sure. Or tabs, for that matter. Did somebody introduce you to a meal between brunch and lunch, one consisting entirely of Doritos and Coors? Look, I know you’re one of the fightin-ist bastards to ever grace the squared circle, but be real – you’re just glad this one’s a tag match so you don’t blow up like the Enola Gay five minutes in. I’m not worried about my stamina, Summers – if anything, the running-intensive workouts of a professional baseball player might just have given me even more legs. And I know you’re too proud to beg off a tag in the unlikely event this match runs long, even though you’ll be dragging ass worse than Shaq in a triple-OT playoff game once we hit the 10 minute mark.”
“Again, that’s a VERY charitable estimate for the length of this one considering who Kid Kholesterol’s tagging with. Daniel William Clark? Bitch, please. Rod Toombs and I have written the book on taking you apart in tag action. Don’t think I can’t follow that same game plan even with somebody different in my corner. Let’s be real, D-Dub-C – you’ve never been on my level, or Messiah’s level, and that’s not going to change any time soon. You’ll want to lean on your partner to win – shit, you’ll HAVE to lean on your partner to win – but, unfortunately for you, your partner’s apparently been on a steady IV drip of Keystone Light, mixed with that orange stuff that gets all over your fingers when you try and eat Cheetos. For TWO YEARS.”
“So, what we’ve got here is Out Of Shape and Over His Head against Cocky and Cockier in what should be the most one-sided match of the night, unless Beaumont wasn’t kidding when he booked the Unanimous Kaiser or whatever the f*ck his name is. Look, Messiah, it’s all love from this end – we both want the same thing, we both know just how damn good we are, and we’re ready to get the resumption of our own careers started with a resounding bang. Let’s lock and load, make good things happen, and get back on track.”
And with that, and a dismissive wave of his hand, the camera crews turn aside so Dean can go upstairs, shower, and change. He’s picking up Rod Toombs at Sky Harbor Airport in an hour. They’ve got some catching up to do.
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